Chapter 18: Cutting Deeper.

People have asked me how I can keep doing this.

I ask myself the same question.

This is me bleeding on my computer.

This and the next post are the “psych posts”.  These are articles in which I’ve found psychological explanations for my typical behavior.

Pay attention to the details. In the previous thirty or so posts, there are examples of the explained behaviors within each piece of the psych posts.

This will be important for the upcoming writing contest.

Pay attention to the words in red.

Codependency (or codependence, co-narcissism or inverted narcissism) is unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that harm one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.^[1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.  Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.^[1] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.

Historically, the concept of codependence "comes directly out of Alcoholics Anonymous, part of a dawning realization that the problem was not solely the addict, but also the family and friends who constitute a network for the alcoholic."^[2] It was subsequently broadened to cover the way "that the codependent person is fixated on another person for approval, sustenance, and so on."^[2] As such, the concept overlaps with, but developed in the main independently from, the older psychoanalytic concept of the 'passive dependent personality' ... attaching himself to a stronger personality."^[3]

Some would retain the stricter, narrower dictionary definition of codependency, which requires one person to be physically or psychologically addicted, such as to heroin, and the second person to be psychologically dependent on that behavior.^[4]

Codependency describes behaviors, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or caretaking. For example parenting is a role that requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice and giving a child's needs a high priority, although a parent could nevertheless still be codependent towards their own children if the caretaking or parental sacrifice reached unhealthy or destructive levels.^[1] Generally a parent who takes care of their own needs (emotional and physical) in a healthy way will be a better caretaker, whereas a codependent parent may be less effective, or may even do harm to a child.^[1]

People who are codependent often take on the role as a martyr; they constantly put other's needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are "needed"; they cannot stand the thought of being alone and no one needing them. Codependent people are constantly in search of acceptance. When it comes to arguments, codependent people also tend to set themselves up as the "victim". When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty.

Codependency does not refer to all caring behavior or feelings, but only those that are excessive to an unhealthy degree.^[5] Indeed, from the standpoint of Attachment theory or Object relations theory, "to risk becoming dependent"^[6] may be for the compulsively self-reliant a psychological advance, and "depending on a source outside oneself ... successful, or tolerable, dependence" ^[7] may be valorized accordingly.

Co-Dependents Anonymous offers these patterns and characteristics as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.^[1]

Denial patterns: I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling. I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel. I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others. I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others. I label others with my negative traits. I can take care of myself without any help from others. I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation. I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways. I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted. Low self-esteem patterns: I have difficulty making decisions. I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough." I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts. I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires. I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own. I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person. I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve. I am jealous of the relationships between others I would like to have as my own. I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake. I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good. I perceive myself as superior to others. I look to others to provide my sense of safety. I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects. I have trouble setting healthy priorities. Avoidance patterns: I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me. I judge harshly what others think, say, or do. I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance. I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships. I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation. I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery. I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable. I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away. I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself. I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness. I withhold expressions of appreciation. Compliance patterns: I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger. I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same. I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own. I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want. I accept sex and/or sexual attention when I want love. I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others. I make decisions without regard to the consequences. I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change. Control patterns: I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves. I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel. I become resentful when others will not let me help them. I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked. I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about. I use sex to gain approval and acceptance. I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others. I demand that my needs be met by others. I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate. I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others. I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate. I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes. I have obsessive, compulsive thinking patterns and cannot focus on daily activities. I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others. I pretend to agree with others to get what I want. Not all of this is me. But some of it. It's you too. The next one will be very interesting. The Oilfield Romantic