Chapter 26: Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk?

...I didn't mean to call you that.

I'm feeling really positive today.  Really.

I have no idea why, but I'm feeling great.  Some really stressful things have been happening lately, but today nothing is getting me down.

If I could get another chance, I'd put it in a zip lock bag...

The song currently playing might just be my personal theme song. Countless times in my life, I've gotten into my car or truck, only to think "I'm seriously my own worst enemy."  What a silly notion, although so true, for so long.

Story time. 

I came up to North Dakota to chase after another adventure. This time, it was washing trucks and equipment in the oil field.  I found out over the last 5 months, that I can't do this on my own.  I could do it alone, but at the cost of having any kind of social life.  I've seen my quality of life consistently worsening and worsening.  I've been burning the candle at both ends, as it is said.  

I'm exhausted.  I've been lonely. I've been stressed.  I think it has taken a few years off my life. Really.

Luckily, I have some of the best friends in the world who have kept me going, who have believed in me, who haven't given up on me.  I'm talking about Reed, Jason, Skyler, Chett, Tyson, and Freddy. 

Things haven't gone exactly as planned, but things rarely do.  The last couple months, I have been reflecting on life, figuring out what it is I'm chasing after.  In the very first post, titled "Looking for Something", I talk about this.  

I've come to realize, that everything I've ever wanted is actually everything I already had: a wonderful family, and friends that care about me.  

I've been searching for a place that feels like home, somewhere I belong.  I recently realized that I feel at home when I'm with the ones I love.  

I think that in all this running around, looking for something, I have actually been running away instead; running away from the truth, that I had everything I ever wanted, and was afraid to reach out and take it.  

Today, the sun is shining in North Dakota.  It's one of the few beautiful days we've had in the last month.  I should really be asleep right now, but I had to go take care of some business with a client, and now I don't want to go back to sleep.  

I have a long night ahead of me, dispatching from 6:30 tonight til 7:30 in the morning, and the same tomorrow night.  

Now for some more honesty. 

Last Sunday, I went to stake conference.  I had worked about 10 straight days, and the final two days I was awake for about 48 hours.  I considered not going to church, just getting home and crashing, but something pushed me to go to church.  I'm glad I did.

Being waaaay out of it that morning, I couldn't really keep my eyes open for the first half.  Once I was actually sort of awake, a guy named Brother Mclellan got up and spoke. He wasn't a member of our stake, in fact I think he was from Colorado, and I don't know where they found him.  But he told an amazing story of how he got into the oilfield to pay of debts and support his family, but had to basically give up everything in his life for work, including church.  

He talked about living out of his truck, not eating well for weeks at a time, sometimes not even showering for days at a time.  He talked about how slowly he was losing his testimony of the church, of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  At one point, he had a very scary experience in a blizzard in Wyoming.  He almost froze to death, but was miraculously okay.  

His whole story hit home for me, in such a way that I kind of just burst out crying in the middle of the meeting. Quietly, mind you, I wasn't sobbing and blubbering like a child. But it was pretty intense for me.  No talk or testimony in church has ever affected me so strongly as that one.  It sounded like the story of my life...wandering around, chasing work, getting stuck in Wyoming (I had a scary run in there as well a few times).  

Slowly but surely, I have been weakened, bit by bit, to where I was doing things I would never have considered doing in my entire life.  Not taking care of myself, destructive behavior, etc.  My language has degraded into pure roughneck/sailor speak.  Not pretty.  I've even thought for a long time about getting some ink done.  (Even I'm asking myself, "Really?")

I'm going to make the best of all my alone time- and I have plenty of that. I'm going to work on myself.  I'm going to read the scriptures more, pray more, meditate more, and get back to who I was when I got off that plane from Chile.  

I'm in control of my life. I choose happiness, not destruction and sadness.  I love my family, I love my friends, I love my life. It's crazy, and unpredictable, but it's good.

INTERRUPTION- In the middle of writing this blog from the trailer fabulous domicile at Western Petroleumville, ND, my next door neighbor (next trailer hookup neighbor) John Kent and his wife Angela invited me over for dinner before me and John went to work. John is one of the driver's I dispatch.  

We had a warm meal of breaded chicken, corn, and mashed potatoes.  We had civilized conversation for a couple of hours. I told them about my family, and everything I've been doing the last few years. They told me about their kids, and their home in Idaho.  You see, the when I got out of that cool

I think today they somehow felt they needed to invite me over to their camper for dinner. And this was at the same time I was writing about having a positive outlook on the future, despite the difficulties of the present.

I'm so thankful for the people that bless my life on a daily basis!  Yay for being positive!

The Tentative Good News

An oilfield chemical company has offered me a job- wait for it...wait for it- back home in Utah.  We haven't worked out all the details yet, but it is the opportunity I think I've been really waiting for. I'm excited to spend some extended time close to my family (and friends in Utah/Colorado).  

 And another thing...

There is a girl out there, waiting for me to step up, and be the man I was born to be. I'm going to live life to its fullest, and I'm going to find her. Guess I'm not quite as cynical as I thought. 

...and keep it in my pocket, keep it in my pocket.

I guess I'm still...

The Oilfield Romantic